(Spoiler: It Involves Syphilis Jokes and Swiss Hunks) 

So, you’re tending your vineyard, practicing your Latin curses, or maybe just admiring a tasteful statue of David, when suddenly—SMOKE SIGNAL. Or perhaps a gilded papal bull crashes through your window. Congratulations! Pope Julius III (or possibly II—historians get very pedantic, and frankly, the drama’s similar) has contacted you. Panic? Absolutely not. Follow this guide. 

Step 1: Confirm His Identity (Is It Really Him?) 

Julius III (1503-1513) was a Renaissance multitasker: warrior pope, art patron, and allegedly, curator of the Vatican’s first “candy store” of handsome Swiss Guardsmen. But impostors abound! Verify via: 

• Facial Hair: Is he sporting a majestic, depressed beard? Julius grew his after losing Bologna, an “ancient mourning ritual” that doubled as a power move. 
• Entourage: Are there 6’5″ Swiss men in technicolor uniforms nearby? He founded the Guard in 1506, allegedly requiring recruits to be “tall, handsome, athletic Swiss young men”. (Suspiciously specific? Perhaps). 
• Artistic Demands: Does he scream, “Where’s Michelangelo? Tell Him I Need More Frescoes!? Valid. 

Step 2: Assess His Mood (War, Art, or… Other Pursuits?) 

Julius wasn’t called “Il Papa Terribile” for nothing. His hobbies included:

• Leading Armies: Nicknamed “The Fearsome Pope,” he once besieged Mirandola in winter while wearing armor. At age 68. Do not challenge him to arm-wrestling. 
• Commissioning Masterpieces: Raphael painted him looking “so lifelike that viewers trembled”. If he demands your portrait, agree immediately—but insist on no beard. 
• Alleged “Candy Store” Activities: Rumor claims he stocked the Swiss Guard as a “personal gay paradise” after being branded a “sodomite with shameful wounds” (likely syphilis). Survival Tip: Compliment the halberds. Never the halberdiers. 

Step 3: Navigate the Awkward Questions (Yes, Those) 

Julius had… notable relationships. If he asks about your love life: 

• DEFLECT: Mention his “dear friend” Federigo Gonzagaor Francesco Alidosi. Then sprint toward a fresco. 
• DISTRACT: Shout, “IS THAT A NAKED CEILING?!” and point at the Sistine Chapel. Buy time while he rages about Michelangelo’s delays. 
• FLATTER: Praise his daughter, Felice della Rovere (yes, popes had kids). It’s technically not forbidden if you’re a pre-Reformation pontiff. 

Step 4: Handle the Medical Emergencies (Because Syphilis) 

Several popes allegedly died of the “immaculate infection”—syphilis contracted despite vows of celibacy. If Julius coughs while admiring a marble torso: 

• DO: Offer mercury ointment (Renaissance cure-all!). 
• DON’T: Ask, “So, about that ‘shameful wound’ the Council of Pisa mentioned…”. 
• ESCAPE PLAN: Blame the French. (Always safe.) 

Step 5: Secure Your Exit (Without Excommunication) 

He’s volatile. Exit strategies include: 

• The Art Dodge: Shriek, “RAPHAEL’S PAINTING LEO X WITHOUT YOU!” and flee as he races to intervene. 
• The Swiss Diversion: Yell, “YOUR GUARD’S UNIFORMS NEED MORE RUFFLES!” He’ll be immobilized by aesthetic rage. 
• The Ultimate Sacrifice: Surrender your wine cellar. He’ll forget you exist by morning. 

Final Tip: Remember the Acorns! 

Julius loved acorns (his family symbol). Scatter a handful to distract him. Works better than holy water. 

In Conclusion

When Pope Julius III contacts you, it’s never simple. It’s never boring. And it’s definitely not optional.

Whether he wants your help restoring the prestige of the Holy See or just someone to taste the wine before his next banquet, you answer. You show up. You carry the ring.

Because some invitations are sacred.
And some are just too juicy to ignore.

> Disclaimer: This guide blends historical fact (Julius’s art/wars/beard), Renaissance gossip (his “Swiss Guard candy store”), and satire. Modern LGBTQIA+ terminology didn’t exist in 1506—but queer figures like Michelangelo did. Also, syphilis jokes? Rick Steves approved. 

TL;DR: When Julius III slides into your DMs, praise his taste in art, soldiers, and acorns. Avoid diagnosing rashes. And never outshine the halberds.