Piedmont Porchlight Stories – Clyde Pritchard

(as told by Clyde Pritchard, proprietor of City Barber Shop, Piedmont, Alabama)

Now, I want it on record that I wasn’t trying to invent anything. That’s how trouble starts. With folks trying too hard. I was just minding my business, trimming hair, drinking my coffee, and letting the day drift by like molasses uphill.

Then Harold Dunn walked in. Y’all know Harold. Tomato thief, truck menace, general bringer of calamity. He slumped down in my chair lookin’ like a possum that’d lost an argument with a pea thresher. Said he’d been trying some new “tonic” a fella sold him out of the back of a van, guaranteed to restore hair, virility, and the will to live. I told him if it could do two out of three, I’d buy a case.

Anyway, he wanted a trim. “Just clean up the edges,” he said. Well, I was halfway through when I noticed the smell. Sort of a mix between gasoline, vinegar, and bad decisions. I asked him what he’d put on his head, and he said, “A miracle.”

‘Bout that time, my clippers started smoking. Sparks flew. Harold yelped, and I near about invented a new dance step trying to get that contraption off his head. When the smoke cleared, there we stood. Harold with a perfect bald spot the size of a dinner plate and me holding the world’s first flamethrower comb.

Now, most folks would’ve apologized. But not Harold. He looked in the mirror, ran a hand over his shiny scalp, and said, “Clyde, that’s the best my hair’s ever looked.”

Word spread faster than gossip after Sunday service. By that evening, I had thirteen men lined up outside asking for “the Dunn Special.” They said it was clean, aerodynamic, and “made the heat feel less personal.”

So I leaned into it. Printed a sign that said:

NEW! Pritchard’s Precision Follicle Reduction — Guaranteed to Stop Hair Loss Forever!

And technically, I wasn’t lying.

For about six glorious weeks, I was the talk of Piedmont. Folks came from all around; truckers, deacons, even the mayor, all wanting the same “treatment.” ‘Course, it wasn’t long before the State Board of Something-or-Other sent me a letter suggesting I cease and desist “experimental barbering practices.”

I ceased. I desisted. But every now and then, when a fellow sits in my chair, runs a nervous hand through his thinning hair, and says, “Clyde, you got anything that’ll stop this?” I just wink and tell him, “Sure do, friend. But it only works once.”

*****

New Yesterdays is available through the following links: Books-A-Million, Barnes & Noble, and Amazon as well as your favorite bookshops. The Audiobook is available from Libro.fm, as well as Amazon.

About Ol' Big Jim

Jim L. Wright is a storyteller with a lifetime of experiences as colorful as the characters he creates. Born and raised in Piedmont, Alabama, Jim’s connection to the land, history, and people of the region runs deep. His debut novel New Yesterdays is set in his hometown, where he grew up listening to stories of the past—stories that sparked his imagination and curiosity for history. Today, Jim lives in Leeds, Alabama, with his husband Zeek, a tour operator who shares his passion for adventure and discovery. Known affectionately as “Ol’ Big Jim,” he has had a diverse career that includes time as a storekeeper, an embalmer, a hospital orderly, and a medical coder. There are even whispers—unconfirmed, of course—that he once played piano in a house of ill repute. No matter the job, one thing has remained constant: Jim is a teller of tales. His stories—sometimes humorous, sometimes thought-provoking—are often inspired by his unique life experiences. Many of these tales can be found on his popular blog, Ol’ Big Jim, where he continues to share his musings with a loyal readership. Jim’s adventures have taken him far beyond Alabama. For seven years, he lived in Amman, Jordan, the world’s oldest continuously inhabited city. His time there, spent in smoky coffee shops, enjoying a hookah and a cup of tea while scribbling in his ever-present notebook, deeply influenced his worldview and his writing. When Jim isn’t writing, he’s thinking about writing. His stories, whether tall tales from his past or imaginative reimagining is of historical events should read from his past or imaginative reimaginings of historical events, reflect a life lived fully and authentically. With New Yesterdays, Jim brings readers a rich tapestry of history, fantasy, and human connection. Visit his blog at www.olbigjim.com to read more of his stories, or follow him on social media to keep up with his latest musings and projects, one of which is a series that follows Bonita McCauley, an amateur detective who gets into some very sticky situations. His book, New Yesterdays, can be found at Amazon US, Amazon UK, Smashwords, and Barnes and Noble.

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