Hotter than a sinner in Sunday School: Surviving the Great Alabama Heatwave

Y’all. I don’t mean to alarm anyone, but Alabama is melting.

Not figuratively. I just watched a squirrel pull off his fur coat and fan himself with a Waffle House menu. The heat index is 114 degrees and my flip-flops have fused to the sidewalk. I tried to peel them off and lost three layers of dignity in the process. My little Mawmaw would say, “It’s hotter than forty-nine devils!”

Let’s back up.

Last Tuesday, I opened my front door and was immediately slapped across the face by what I can only describe as Satan’s moist breath. My glasses fogged. My soul evaporated. My neighbor, Dwayne, was sitting in a lawn chair on his porch, wagging a hand-held funeral home fan muttering, “This ain’t right!” His elderly mastiff had passed out next to a kiddie pool full of ice cubes and Gatorade. No one questioned it.

This isn’t heat. This is a spiritual trial.

Things that have happened during this heatwave:

My car’s steering wheel seared a W into my palms. I drive a Chevrolet Impala.
My deodorant quit halfway through the day and left a note that said, “You’re on your own, mister.”
A woman at the Piggly Wiggly fanned herself so hard she accidentally summoned a demon. It was too hot to be evil so he just handed her a bottle of sweet tea and sat on the frozen peas.
The air is so thick you can chew it. I saw a kid bite the atmosphere like cotton candy. He’s still chewing.

We’ve all gone feral. People are grilling on their dashboards. I saw a man boil an egg on the hood of his truck, garnish it with a Slim Jim, and call it a “mobile deviled egg charcuterie.” Sir, this is a Walgreens.

Even the Baptists are canceling church picnics. That’s just how serious it really is! When Reverend Tucker says, “Let’s just Zoom it,” we are in uncharted territory. I saw him wearing shorts yesterday. Shorts. His knees looked confused. I didn’t know what to do with that.

Survival Tips for the Alabama Heatwave:

Hydrate constantly. If your pee looks like sweet tea, you’re already too late.
Dress light. Sundresses, tank tops, and full nudity are all acceptable after 10 AM.
Lay in front of a fan and make sad whale noises. It won’t help, but it’ll pass the time.
Befriend someone with a pool. If they don’t invite you over, show up anyway. They’ll understand.

Listen, we’ll get through this. We always do. Eventually, the cicadas will quiet down, the air will stop sweating on us, and James Spann will say, “Well, fall’s coming.” And then it’ll be 92 degrees with just enough breeze to make you believe in hope again.

But until then, stay cool. Literally. Figuratively? We gave up on that in June.

And remember: If it feels like you’re being hugged by a sweaty God in a polyester tracksuit—
That’s just Alabama in July.

And, I mustn’t neglect the obligatory shameless self-promotion. New Yesterdays is available through the following links: Amazon, Libro.fm (audiobook), Barnes & Noble, Books-A-Million, or from your favorite bookshop.

About Ol' Big Jim

Jim L. Wright is a storyteller with a lifetime of experiences as colorful as the characters he creates. Born and raised in Piedmont, Alabama, Jim’s connection to the land, history, and people of the region runs deep. His debut novel New Yesterdays is set in his hometown, where he grew up listening to stories of the past—stories that sparked his imagination and curiosity for history. Today, Jim lives in Leeds, Alabama, with his husband Zeek, a tour operator who shares his passion for adventure and discovery. Known affectionately as “Ol’ Big Jim,” he has had a diverse career that includes time as a storekeeper, an embalmer, a hospital orderly, and a medical coder. There are even whispers—unconfirmed, of course—that he once played piano in a house of ill repute. No matter the job, one thing has remained constant: Jim is a teller of tales. His stories—sometimes humorous, sometimes thought-provoking—are often inspired by his unique life experiences. Many of these tales can be found on his popular blog, Ol’ Big Jim, where he continues to share his musings with a loyal readership. Jim’s adventures have taken him far beyond Alabama. For seven years, he lived in Amman, Jordan, the world’s oldest continuously inhabited city. His time there, spent in smoky coffee shops, enjoying a hookah and a cup of tea while scribbling in his ever-present notebook, deeply influenced his worldview and his writing. When Jim isn’t writing, he’s thinking about writing. His stories, whether tall tales from his past or imaginative reimagining is of historical events should read from his past or imaginative reimaginings of historical events, reflect a life lived fully and authentically. With New Yesterdays, Jim brings readers a rich tapestry of history, fantasy, and human connection. Visit his blog at www.olbigjim.com to read more of his stories, or follow him on social media to keep up with his latest musings and projects, one of which is a series that follows Bonita McCauley, an amateur detective who gets into some very sticky situations. His book, New Yesterdays, can be found at Amazon US, Amazon UK, Smashwords, and Barnes and Noble.

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2 Responses to Hotter than a sinner in Sunday School: Surviving the Great Alabama Heatwave

T. W. Dittmer says:

09/08/2025 at 07:31

Yes, Jim, deal with the heat the best you can.

LikeLiked by 1 person

Patricia Furstenberg says:

10/08/2025 at 03:00

Once upon a time, when I grew up and still lived in Romania, I remember having four distinctive seasons. Lately, with temperatures in Bucharest reaching over 40C, we are reduced to only two extremes.

Best wishes and keep it cool. 🙂

LikeLiked by 1 person