Nobody Likes a Telemarketer!

Posted on 26/10/2014 by Ol' Big Jim

I found this on the internet today and thought you gentle readers might enjoy it as much as I did.

old-phoneI was at home the other night, in the middle of dinner when the phone rang.

Me: Hello?

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T…

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T…

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes. This is AT&T…

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: YES! This is AT&T. May I speak to Mr Salem, please?

Me: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

Me: Okay, hold on.

At this point, I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, she was still waiting.

Tomlin-Lille-OperatorErnestine-01colorMe: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr Salem?

Me: May I ask who is calling please?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T…

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, is this Mr Salem?

Me: Yes, is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

Me: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.

Me: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren’t selling phones today, Mr Salem.

Me: Well, whatever it is, I’m really not interested, but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don’t think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying “I’m really not interested”, but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr Salem, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I’m sure she meant she was offering a “rate” of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word “rate”. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that’s 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?

AT&T: (Getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that’s right! 24 hours a day!

Me: 7 days a week?

AT&T: That’s right.

Me: 365 days a year?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow! That’s amazing!

AT&T: We think so!

Me: That’s quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes, sir, it’s amazing how it adds up.

Me: Okay, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly, or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560? If you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?

Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?

Me: You said you’d give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week, and $52,560 per year. I’m just interested in knowing how you’ll be making payment.

AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn’t mean we’d be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

Me: Wait a minute here! Didn’t you say you’d give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?

AT&T: Well, yes, this is AT&T, sir, but…

Me: But nothing! How do you figure that by saying you’ll give me 10 cents a minute that I’ll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I’ve read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don’t use your alien brainwashing techniques on me!

AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for…

Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?

AT&T: Yes, Mr Salem. Please hold.

So, now AT&T has me on hold, and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I’m waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food…

Supervisor: Mr Salem?

Me: Yeth?

Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth? (Is this AT&T?)

Supervisor: Yes, sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter, and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so I could sign up for the plan.

Supervisor: Okay, no problem, I’ll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello, Mr Salem. I understand you are interested in signing up for our plan?

Me: No, but do you have that friends and family thing because I’m an only child and I’d really like to have a little brother…

imagesAT&T: (Click)

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About Ol' Big Jim

Jim L. Wright is a storyteller with a lifetime of experiences as colorful as the characters he creates. Born and raised in Piedmont, Alabama, Jim’s connection to the land, history, and people of the region runs deep. His debut novel New Yesterdays is set in his hometown, where he grew up listening to stories of the past—stories that sparked his imagination and curiosity for history. Today, Jim lives in Leeds, Alabama, with his husband Zeek, a tour operator who shares his passion for adventure and discovery. Known affectionately as “Ol’ Big Jim,” he has had a diverse career that includes time as a storekeeper, an embalmer, a hospital orderly, and a medical coder. There are even whispers—unconfirmed, of course—that he once played piano in a house of ill repute. No matter the job, one thing has remained constant: Jim is a teller of tales. His stories—sometimes humorous, sometimes thought-provoking—are often inspired by his unique life experiences. Many of these tales can be found on his popular blog, Ol’ Big Jim, where he continues to share his musings with a loyal readership. Jim’s adventures have taken him far beyond Alabama. For seven years, he lived in Amman, Jordan, the world’s oldest continuously inhabited city. His time there, spent in smoky coffee shops, enjoying a hookah and a cup of tea while scribbling in his ever-present notebook, deeply influenced his worldview and his writing. When Jim isn’t writing, he’s thinking about writing. His stories, whether tall tales from his past or imaginative reimagining is of historical events should read from his past or imaginative reimaginings of historical events, reflect a life lived fully and authentically. With New Yesterdays, Jim brings readers a rich tapestry of history, fantasy, and human connection. Visit his blog at www.olbigjim.com to read more of his stories, or follow him on social media to keep up with his latest musings and projects, one of which is a series that follows Bonita McCauley, an amateur detective who gets into some very sticky situations. His book, New Yesterdays, can be found at Amazon US, Amazon UK, Smashwords, and Barnes and Noble.
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4 Responses to Nobody Likes a Telemarketer!

  1. Vanessa's avatar Vanessa-Jane Chapman says:
    26/10/2014 at 19:35

    Fantastic! Love this. My plan next time a telemarketer calls is to every few seconds say “Your call is important to me, please hold” and just play music in between each time. My favourite telemarketing funny call is that one where the person answering the phone pretends he is a police officer attending a murder scene and starts questioning the telemarketer about the nature of what business he had with “the deceased” – you’ve heard that one yes? Very mean but can’t help laughing at it!

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  2. historywithatwist's avatar historywithatwist says:
    27/10/2014 at 00:04

    Excellent Jim. I bet the telemarketer had to lie down in a dark room for a few hours after that

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  3. T. W. Dittmer's avatar T. W. Dittmer says:
    27/10/2014 at 05:14

    Nice. Had a siding salesman once, whose name was Ted Nugent. Boy did I have fun with him. 🙂

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