Nobody Likes a Telemarketer!

I found this on the internet today and thought you gentle readers might enjoy it as much as I did.

old-phoneI was at home the other night, in the middle of dinner when the phone rang.

Me: Hello?

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T…

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T…

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes. This is AT&T…

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: YES! This is AT&T. May I speak to Mr Salem, please?

Me: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

Me: Okay, hold on.

At this point, I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, she was still waiting.

Tomlin-Lille-OperatorErnestine-01colorMe: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr Salem?

Me: May I ask who is calling please?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T…

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, is this Mr Salem?

Me: Yes, is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

Me: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.

Me: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren’t selling phones today, Mr Salem.

Me: Well, whatever it is, I’m really not interested, but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don’t think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying “I’m really not interested”, but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr Salem, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I’m sure she meant she was offering a “rate” of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word “rate”. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that’s 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?

AT&T: (Getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that’s right! 24 hours a day!

Me: 7 days a week?

AT&T: That’s right.

Me: 365 days a year?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow! That’s amazing!

AT&T: We think so!

Me: That’s quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes, sir, it’s amazing how it adds up.

Me: Okay, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly, or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560? If you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?

Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?

Me: You said you’d give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week, and $52,560 per year. I’m just interested in knowing how you’ll be making payment.

AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn’t mean we’d be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

Me: Wait a minute here! Didn’t you say you’d give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?

AT&T: Well, yes, this is AT&T, sir, but…

Me: But nothing! How do you figure that by saying you’ll give me 10 cents a minute that I’ll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I’ve read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don’t use your alien brainwashing techniques on me!

AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for…

Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?

AT&T: Yes, Mr Salem. Please hold.

So, now AT&T has me on hold, and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I’m waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food…

Supervisor: Mr Salem?

Me: Yeth?

Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth? (Is this AT&T?)

Supervisor: Yes, sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter, and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so I could sign up for the plan.

Supervisor: Okay, no problem, I’ll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello, Mr Salem. I understand you are interested in signing up for our plan?

Me: No, but do you have that friends and family thing because I’m an only child and I’d really like to have a little brother…

imagesAT&T: (Click)

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About Ol' Big Jim

Ol' Big Jim, has been a storekeeper, an embalmer, a hospital orderly, a medical biller, and through it all, a teller of tall tales. Many of his stories, like his first book, New Yesterdays, are set in his hometown of Piedmont, Alabama. Since 2009 he has lived in the oldest continuously inhabited city in the world, Amman, Jordan where he spends his time trying to visit each one of the thousands of Ammani coffee shops and scribbling in his ever-present notebook.
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4 Responses to Nobody Likes a Telemarketer!

  1. Fantastic! Love this. My plan next time a telemarketer calls is to every few seconds say “Your call is important to me, please hold” and just play music in between each time. My favourite telemarketing funny call is that one where the person answering the phone pretends he is a police officer attending a murder scene and starts questioning the telemarketer about the nature of what business he had with “the deceased” – you’ve heard that one yes? Very mean but can’t help laughing at it!

    Like

  2. Excellent Jim. I bet the telemarketer had to lie down in a dark room for a few hours after that

    Like

  3. Nice. Had a siding salesman once, whose name was Ted Nugent. Boy did I have fun with him. 🙂

    Like

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