Temporary Absence Explained (Truth is Unsubstantiated)

Dear Friends,

Several of you have noticed that I’ve been quieter than a Baptist church during the fourth verse and have asked where I’ve been. I appreciate the concern. I reckon I owe y’all an explanation. After careful consideration, I’ve decided to provide several. Unfortunately, only one of ‘em is true, and I ain’t tellin’ which one.

I was kidnapped by a militant Amish group. Lovely people. Terrible getaway drivers.
NASA needed one more volunteer to see if old Southern men bounce on the Moon.
The FBI recruited me to infiltrate a dangerous organization known only as the International Society for People Who Correct Your Grammar Online.
I accidentally wandered into Buc-ee’s and couldn’t find the exit for four days.
The government asked me to identify which casserole dish belonged to whose grandmother. It was allegedly a matter of national security.
I was elected Pope by mistake. They figured it out when I asked where they kept the sweet tea.
I got into an argument with a squirrel. The squirrel won.
The History Channel called wanting someone who actually remembers some of the things they were talking about.
I was detained by the Department of Porch Affairs for exceeding the federally recommended limit of storytelling.
Aliens abducted me but brought me back after three hours. Apparently, I asked too many questions.
I joined a monastery, but they asked me to leave because I kept saying “Well now…” before every prayer.
The folks at Magnolia Mortuary insisted I spend a week proving I wasn’t one of their customers.
The squirrels held a tribunal over some remarks I made during the Golden Squirrel affair. My lawyer has advised me not to discuss it.
I accepted a job as Quality Control Inspector for Dr Pepper. I regret to report that every sample passed inspection.
The Men in Black paid me a visit after I mentioned seeing something peculiar over Terrapin Creek one summer evening.
I was asked to test a prototype rocking chair. We discovered there is, in fact, such a thing as “too much rockin’.”

At any rate, I’m back. Thank you to everyone who checked on me. It means more than I can properly say. Regular foolishness will resume shortly.

Oh, and if anyone asks, we never had this conversation.

About Ol' Big Jim

Jim L. Wright is a storyteller with a lifetime of experiences as colorful as the characters he creates. Born and raised in Piedmont, Alabama, Jim’s connection to the land, history, and people of the region runs deep. His debut novel New Yesterdays is set in his hometown, where he grew up listening to stories of the past—stories that sparked his imagination and curiosity for history. Today, Jim lives in Leeds, Alabama, with his husband Zeek, a tour operator who shares his passion for adventure and discovery. Known affectionately as “Ol’ Big Jim,” he has had a diverse career that includes time as a storekeeper, an embalmer, a hospital orderly, and a medical coder. There are even whispers—unconfirmed, of course—that he once played piano in a house of ill repute. No matter the job, one thing has remained constant: Jim is a teller of tales. His stories—sometimes humorous, sometimes thought-provoking—are often inspired by his unique life experiences. Many of these tales can be found on his popular blog, Ol’ Big Jim, where he continues to share his musings with a loyal readership. Jim’s adventures have taken him far beyond Alabama. For seven years, he lived in Amman, Jordan, the world’s oldest continuously inhabited city. His time there, spent in smoky coffee shops, enjoying a hookah and a cup of tea while scribbling in his ever-present notebook, deeply influenced his worldview and his writing. When Jim isn’t writing, he’s thinking about writing. His stories, whether tall tales from his past or imaginative reimagining is of historical events should read from his past or imaginative reimaginings of historical events, reflect a life lived fully and authentically. With New Yesterdays, Jim brings readers a rich tapestry of history, fantasy, and human connection. Visit his blog at www.olbigjim.com to read more of his stories, or follow him on social media to keep up with his latest musings and projects, one of which is a series that follows Bonita McCauley, an amateur detective who gets into some very sticky situations. His book, New Yesterdays, can be found at Amazon US, Amazon UK, Smashwords, and Barnes and Noble.

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