Jim Leroy & Jimmy Matthew’s Next Misadventure

Or, The Great Piedmont Goat Fiasco

A Piedmont Lantern Story

Folks in Piedmont still argue about who is to blame.
Some say Jim Leroy lit the fuse.
Others swear it was Jimmy Matthew that struck the match.

Sheriff Dooley maintains that the truth falls under “ongoing civic embarrassment” and refuses to elaborate.

But I’ll tell you just how it truly unfolded.

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It all began with a goat. A very unusual goat.

Old Man Burgess bought hisself a prize-winning Nubian goat named Duchess Magnolia Belle the Third, a creature so pampered she drank spring water filtered through limestone and ate oats that cost more than most folks’ electric bills.

That goat was his pride, his joy, and, in his opinion, the future backbone of Burgess Goat Dynasty Dairy Incorporated, which existed solely in his imagination.

Now Jimmy Matthew, on the other hand, believed Duchess Magnolia Belle had “sad eyes” and “needed enrichment.”
And Jim Leroy, God bless him, decided enrichment meant freedom.

So, the boys, armed with nothing but optimism and one very ill-conceived plan, decided to “borrow” the goat for what Jimmy described as “a brief educational excursion.”

Folks heard the word “borrow” and immediately suspected the worst.

They were correct, as usual.

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The Escape

Duchess Magnolia Belle had no interest in being educated.
As soon as Jim Leroy loosened the gate latch, that goat shot out like she had a rocket installed in her behind.

Jimmy hollered,
“She’s free, Jim! She’s free!”
as if they had liberated a political prisoner rather than stolen livestock.

She bolted past the Co-op, past the Methodist Church, up the hill, around the gazebo, and right toward Mrs. Delphine Cartwright’s azalea bed.

“Dear Lord, not my flowers!” Mrs. Delphine cried.

Town commentary began immediately.

Mr. Hardy from the hardware store:
“I told y’all years ago them boys would cause ruminant-related trouble.”

Patrice Goodwin from the salon:
“That goat’s runnin’ faster than the gossip she’s about to start.”

Preacher Lonzo:
“This is why I preach against idleness.”

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The Parade That Wasn’t Meant to Be

By the time the sheriff got word, Duchess Magnolia Belle had already trotted herself straight into the middle of the Piedmont Proud Spring Parade, which had not even begun yet and was absolutely not prepared for a rogue goat in full gallop.

Children screamed.
Baton twirlers fainted.
The high school band walked directly into a tuba.
Mayor Eubanks cried,
“Nooo! Not the banners! They’re rented! Somebody stop that goat!”

And there behind her, breathless and determined, came Jim Leroy and Jimmy Matthew.

“Stop her!” Sheriff Dooley yelled.

“We’re tryin’!” Jimmy wheezed.

“You caused it!”

“Yeah, and we regret the error!”

⁂

The Attempted Goat Rescue

The boys finally cornered Duchess Magnolia Belle beside the fountain outside the courthouse.
Jim Leroy produced a bag of Doritos.
Jimmy offered a heartfelt apology.

The goat accepted neither, choosing instead to leap onto the courthouse steps and bleat loudly as if makin’ a public statement.

Townsfolk watched with folded arms.

Old Mrs. Carlock muttered,
“I’ve seen less chaos at tent revivals.”

Young Tommy Jenkins whispered,
“Best parade yet.”

Sheriff Dooley reached for the goat.
The goat reached for freedom.
The boys reached for the goat.
And all three reached the fountain at just about the same time.

SPLASH.

Duchess Magnolia Belle emerged victorious.
The boys emerged lookin’ like they had bathed in disappointment.

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The Aftermath

Old Man Burgess arrived, clutchin’ his chest, mutterin’ about lawsuits, divine judgment, and feed-store conspiracies.

But just as he prepared to holler the paint off the courthouse bricks…

The goat walked straight up to him, nuzzled his hand, and bleated the gentlest little bleat you ever heard.

And the old man burst into tears.

“She finally loves me,” he sobbed.

The town melted on the spot.

Even Sheriff Dooley looked away, muttering something about allergies.

The boys seized that tender moment to vanish homeward, dripping water and dignity in equal measure.

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The Town’s Official Ruling

The Piedmont Town Council issued a formal statement:

“Let the record reflect that no goat shall be borrowed, liberated, encouraged, escorted, or tempted by Doritos within town limits without prior written consent.”

“Further let the record show that Jim Leroy and Jimmy Matthew are on goat probation until such time as we forget about this.”

“Which we will not.”

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Town Commentary, Days Later

Mrs. Delphine:
“I lost two azaleas and a considerable portion of my sanity, but I did enjoy the excitement.”

Mr. Hardy:
“I knew they’d do it eventually.”

Little Tommy:
“Best day of my life.”

Mayor Eubanks:
“We are not putting a goat in next year’s parade. Y’all just quit askin’.”

⁂

And as for Duchess Magnolia Belle…

Well, she became a local celebrity.
And Old Man Burgess swears she now looks at him with love in her eyes.

Though most folks agree she is probably lookin’ past him toward the wide world beyond his fence, rememberin’ the brief and glorious moment when she almost led a parade.

About Ol' Big Jim

Jim L. Wright is a storyteller with a lifetime of experiences as colorful as the characters he creates. Born and raised in Piedmont, Alabama, Jim’s connection to the land, history, and people of the region runs deep. His debut novel New Yesterdays is set in his hometown, where he grew up listening to stories of the past—stories that sparked his imagination and curiosity for history. Today, Jim lives in Leeds, Alabama, with his husband Zeek, a tour operator who shares his passion for adventure and discovery. Known affectionately as “Ol’ Big Jim,” he has had a diverse career that includes time as a storekeeper, an embalmer, a hospital orderly, and a medical coder. There are even whispers—unconfirmed, of course—that he once played piano in a house of ill repute. No matter the job, one thing has remained constant: Jim is a teller of tales. His stories—sometimes humorous, sometimes thought-provoking—are often inspired by his unique life experiences. Many of these tales can be found on his popular blog, Ol’ Big Jim, where he continues to share his musings with a loyal readership. Jim’s adventures have taken him far beyond Alabama. For seven years, he lived in Amman, Jordan, the world’s oldest continuously inhabited city. His time there, spent in smoky coffee shops, enjoying a hookah and a cup of tea while scribbling in his ever-present notebook, deeply influenced his worldview and his writing. When Jim isn’t writing, he’s thinking about writing. His stories, whether tall tales from his past or imaginative reimagining is of historical events should read from his past or imaginative reimaginings of historical events, reflect a life lived fully and authentically. With New Yesterdays, Jim brings readers a rich tapestry of history, fantasy, and human connection. Visit his blog at www.olbigjim.com to read more of his stories, or follow him on social media to keep up with his latest musings and projects, one of which is a series that follows Bonita McCauley, an amateur detective who gets into some very sticky situations. His book, New Yesterdays, can be found at Amazon US, Amazon UK, Smashwords, and Barnes and Noble.

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