O Happy Day! My fortunes have improved somewhat since my last post. As of this morning’s accounting I am $85,748,763.00 richer! Yes, you read that correctly; 85.7 million dollars will soon be wending their way toward my bank account. The thing that perturbs me about all this is that my Gmail program was so exuberant in weeding out unwanted mails, they directed all these mails to my Spam box! Can you imagine that? Such valuable emails relegated to virtual trash! I’m shocked, I tell you. Shocked! Not to worry though, I believe my new-found fortune will help me assuage that “let-down” feeling. Here are a few examples of how I managed to accrue such a fortune in a relatively short length of time.
Sabu Ganesan Shruti emailed me to announce “I have made up my mind to will my late Husband’s fund to you so that you can use it for charity duties and good work to humanity in your country. The amount is 4 million US Dollars.”
Jean Moulin-Montierchaume says “I have a 25 Million USD proposal for you.”
Mr and Mrs Adrian Bayford are amazingly magnanimous! They wrote to me “I am Adrian Bayford, I and my wife were Recent winners of the euro million lottery of £148.6 million, and have voluntarily decided to donate the sum of 2 Million pounds ($3.20 million) to you along with my new found half-brother Paul Wilson as part of our own charity project to Improve the lot of 20 unknown lucky individuals all over the world plus 15 Close friends and family.” They’ve emailed me, not once but, TWICE to announce their generosity! No one told them they must share their winnings, it was voluntary!
Dr Tunde Lemo down in Nigeria is not to be outdone, though. Look what he wants to do for little ol’ me! “I received a transfer instruction from the Governor Central Bank of Nigeria in person of “Mr. Sanusi Lamido” Bond with the President Federal Republic of-Nigeria ordered this office to credit Ten Beneficiaries account with full Contract amount which was overdue by the Ex-Governor (Prof. Charles Soludo) and his dubious officials. Note: out-of ten selected beneficiaries approved for payment, your name and your contact address appeared in our file as the second beneficiary to receive US$17,000,000.00 via Telex Wire Transfer.”
All I have to do is pop down to my local Western Union office and get $650 USD off to him to cover the “Telex Transfer Duty”. As he says, “It is compulsory.” Well, of course it would be, wouldn’t it?
What did Mr M J John Smith do? Well, he sent me $5,000 USD! And, that ain’t all Gentle Reader. He has been instructed to continue sending me $5,000 until I’ve received a total of $1,500,000! Naturally, he’s going to need some bits of personal information, but that shouldn’t be a deterrent when 1.5 million dollars are waiting for me… should it?
Poor Catherine Claude is an Ivoirian national, but she has to live now in Accra-Ghana after the crises that ousted President Laurent Gbagbo back in November. But, all is not gloomy. Oh no, she inherited 3.5 million dollars from her late father who was a cocoa and gold merchant as well as a contractor. She wants me to invest her money and for my trouble, she’ll give me 30%! Thirty percent! Could she be more generous? A piddling $1,050,000 just for investing her money? How can I refuse such an offer?
The next email was just a bit confusing. “This mail is to inform you of your registered package. CONTENT: Cheque of $550,000.00 USD registered by an Official of the United Nation. The Fund is a donation to you from the U.N through e-mails balloting in affiliation with commonwealth poverty eradication program. For your information the VAT and COD have been paid and the only money you will have to pay is the security keeping fee which is $95.00. Payment of $185 must be paid before shipment.”
So, am I to send him $95 or $185? Naturally, either sum is easily paid considering they will be sending me more than half a million, but I just don’t know what I should pay them? Perhaps the additional ninety dollars is to be considered a tip?
I had no idea that Ghaddafi had given Dr Amir Muqtadir an envelope containing valuable information about deposits he had made in Europe. Despite my ignorance, Dr Amir has been good enough to notify me and asks for my help, for which I will be “well compensated”. What a sweetheart of a guy!
Naturally, all this benevolence directed at me has made me both happy and humbled. Nothing, though, could have prepared me for this heart-rending email. I’ve pasted it exactly as received, without corrections. You go on and read it, I can’t see through the tears…
It’s been quite long since we heard from each other. Betrayal they say is the wilful slaughter of hope. I have betrayed you my friend from the moment you responded to that email I sent to you some time ago, from that moment you accepted that wining notice and then you sent me your name, address phone and account details.
From that moment I choose to betray you when you choose to trust me. I diverted the funds to myself. I am so sorry that you have lost a lot of money to claim this prize.
I am in a poor state of health now and I may have died from cancer before my Son send you this letter, but please accept the Seven hundred and sixty thousand dollars Compensation as atonement for my sin against you. Please contact my legal adviser Barr. Gomez based in India because I have given him instructions to deliver this money to you as soon as possible.
You can contact my legal adviser Barr. Russey his email [firstname.lastname@example.org] just tells him that you are contacting him under instruction from Code: GUMTU992 he will honour my WILL and pay you within Fourth eight hours. Forgive me this is all I ask for. Please send him your I.D, Phone and Address for verification and payment processing. My spirit will be uplifted once you get this compensation.
I reckon the next time you hear from me, I’ll be on my yacht down in the South Pacific as I will have begun my private world cruise. See ya!
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